About this coin

Face value: one halfpenny.
Collector value: errr...a dime, maybe?

One of the qualities collectors look for in a coin is its patina. "Chocolate brown" old pennies, or iridescent "rainbows" on a silver sixpence, are the visible result of years of exposure to oxygen, or handling by oily humans, or being stored for decades in sulphurous envelopes in collections. Some of these surface effects are delicate and can be ruined with a touch. A coin with an interesting or beautiful patina will command a higher price.

I buy coins by the pound, and sometimes I find coins that have been deliberately altered — plated or polished or drilled. Occasionally, I find one with a peculiar patina that I suspect was an experiment in artificially toning coins. I wondered about this coin, with its interesting stripey patina. In the end I decided it was natural.

I've been carrying this one around for a long time, so if it's picked up a stoaty funk, that explains it. Try ammonia.

History: bought on eBay in a 10 kilo lot of assorted world coins in May 2004.

Inscription:

ELIZABETH II DEI GRATIA REGINA F:D:

Meaning, "Elizabeth II by the grace of God queen, defender of the faith." Which is about all the bragging you can fit on a coin this size.

About Elizabeth II:

Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor was born on the 21st of April, 1926 in Mayfair, the most expensive property on the British Monopoly board. She is the thirty-eighth descendent in a straight line from Egbert, King of Wessex, the first Bretwalda, or King of All Britons. That's no doubt where she got those saucy hazel eyes. Her father was the younger son of George the V, so the throne was a long shot.

But in 1936, King Edward VIII abdicated for the love of a cheap American floozy (she really was, I swear). So at ten, Elizabeth became Her Royal Highness, next up for the Golden La-Z-Boy. She was homeschooled.

When she was thirteen, World War II broke out. She and her little sister left London, but stayed close for the duration of the war. In fact, in 1945, when she was nineteen, she convinced her father she should be allowed to join the Auxiliary Territorial Service (ATS) as an ordinary volunteer. She trained as a driver. Elizabeth is probably the only one of the Crowned Heads of Europe who could gap your sparkplugs in a pinch — a thing to bear in mind if you're planning a road trip.

In 1947, Elizabeth married Phillip ("Phil the Greek") Mountbatten. They're cousins, of course — you just can't stop royalty and hillbillies. He had to renounce his claim to the throne of Greece, but it was a happy trade for a lifetime at Elizabeth's side, instinctively saying precisely the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong place. They had four children: Jughead, that Horsey Woman, Whatsisname, and the one who definitely isn't gay.

After several years of painful ill health, George VI died in 1952. At that precise moment, Elizabeth was up a tree. She went up a princess and came down a queen. The Treetops Hotel in Kenya received a lot of additional business as a result, but it has never happened to another guest, so everybody's pretty much wasting their money. HM was formally crowned the following June.

Elizabeth II has now sat on the throne longer that George VI, Edward VIII, George V and Edward VII combined. I've never quite worked out how the British public at large feels about her, but it's hard for me to see her as anything other than a nice old lady. You go, Liz.

Queenspotting

In 1991, Elizabeth visited Washington, DC and decided to tour a slum. On camera. Lord knows why. In the front hall of one tenement, a spectacularly obese woman of color threw her arms about Her Maj and gave her an enthusiastic squeeze. The little gray crowned head slowly disappeared into that collosal cleavage like a nickel-plated doorknob sinking into a tub of chocolate mousse. "The queen looked like she needed a hug," her assailant said later.

I love that. I think of it every time I see Liz on telly. Poor thing. Needs a hug.

She probably does, too. It can't be a lot of fun, being the Queen of England in modern times. She's got all of the grinding, dull responsibilities of leadership and none of the "off with his head!" Supposedly, wherever she goes, a giant box of papers is delivered to her each day, and every paper is read, signed and returned, with little helpful notes written in the margins. Heaven knows what would happen if she expressed an opinion in public. She's not supposed to.

Which is strange — a head of state expected to be entirely without a political stand, but she's head of state in only the most abstract and sentimental way. The Royals are a terrific tourist draw, but otherwise nobody's sure what they're good for. Mostly they try not to trip over anything or make noise. Mostly unsuccessfully.

If I had to guess, I'd say she's a social conservative and a political liberal, as people who inherit great wealth often are. It's their way of saying, "oops! Sorry."

The Queen's main contact with her subjects is the annual Queen's Speech. Which is, in point of fact, not written by the Queen. The Prime Minister, or at least the Prime Minister's party, writes it. Think what you will of monarchy, it can't be much fun to have Tony Blair's mitt up your backside making your mouth move, even if it is only once a year.

Monarch Abuse

Shoot! That's really sad. Let's cheer up the Queen, why don't we?

You'll need a British banknote. You can find one in Britain, probably in a bank. First, you want to fold the bill right down the length of the Royal Beak, folding toward the face of the bill. Then, on each side, make a parallel fold in the other direction, right down the center of the Queen's eye. So you've made a little M. Unless you decided to make a little W. With me?

Okay, now tilt it down. Sad Liz! Tilt it up. Happy Liz! Down! Up! Down! Up! Sad! Happy! Sad! Happy! She's nutty! She's kooky! She's hilariously bipolar!

You can also do this with Soseki Natsume on the Japanese 1000 yen bill. He's the author of I Am a Cat (he probably wrote other things, too, but I didn't read them).

It's hard to do a Founding Father, though. They're so little and serious.

Coin of the Realm

You know what's cool? The basics of British currency didn't change for hundreds of years, so old coins stayed in circulation for a long, long time. Once, Liz Windsor could dig a hand in her pocket, pull out a fistful of small change and say, "Well, that's me, and there's my dad, and that's my grandad (we call him Stinky), and that's my great-grandad, and that's my great-great-grandad, and there's mee-maw and Uncle Wobbly..." Right the way back to Egbert. At least, I've found pennies as old as William IV.

Sadly, after the decimalization, all the lovely old coins were retired. Even worse, the newer ones have the dreadful image at right on them. I think of this portrait bust as "dumpy Liz." It's terribly unkind. It doesn't even look like her. She looks like a fishwife here. I don't really know what a fishwife is, but she looks exactly like one.

Oh, well. It was just Auntie's fancy, anyway. Queens don't have pockets. Or if they do, they're for clean linen hankies with little crowns embroidered on them, not small change. It's not like Queens have to nip 'round the corner for a pack of smokes, is it? There's probably a 14th Lady of the Squeezy Coin Purse who carries any walking-around money Her Maj deems appropriate to her rank and station.

And I'll bet there's nothing smaller than a fiver in it.